| Peep Show A man and his wife
are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on
a robe and goes down to answer the door.
In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her
husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead,
Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give
it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." She’s offended, but
really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben
have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400,
and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have
another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me
touch your breasts." Now she’s really mortified, but again, she
needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick
feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.
Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her
husband, feeling a little bit guilty.
"Who was that?" the husband asks.
"Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.
"Ben?" the husband says. "That son of a bitch owes me 800 bucks!" |
|
|
PAYBACK
A man walked into a bar one night. He went up to the bar and asked for a
beer. “Certainly, sir, that’ll be one cent.”
“ONE CENT!” exclaimed the guy, the barman replied, “Yes.”
So the guy glanced over at the menu, and he asked, “Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak, loaded baked potato, salad and chocolate cake?”
“Certainly sir,” replied the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquired the guy.
“Four cents,” he replies.
“FOUR cents!!!!” exclaimed the guy.
“Where’s the guy who owns this place?” The barman replied, “Upstairs with my
wife.”
The guy said, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replied, “Same thing I’m doing down here to his business.”
A little drunk....
After a long day at work, a guy decides to go get a couple of drinks before
he heads home. Next thing he knows, the bar’s closing and he’s drunk. When he
gets home, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts
tiptoeing up the stairs.
Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his ass. What’s
worse is that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and the
broken glass carved up his butt real good.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood and he checked
himself out in the mirror. What he saw scared the shit out of him and he tried
to bandage himself the best he could under the circumstances. After all this, he
just wanted to sleep so he crawled into bed.
The next morning, as his head was pounding and his ass was throbbing, he tried
to think of a good story for his wife.
“You really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where did you go?”
“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”
“A couple of beers? That’s funny,” she replied. “You got plastered last night.
Where the hell did you go?”
“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”
“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found
a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror.”
Has this ever happened to you?
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the
condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12, and asks which the young man wants.
“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I
want the condoms because I think tonight’s ‘the night.’ We’re having dinner with
her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get
lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d
better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but
continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, “You never
told me that you were such a religious person.”
He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is a
pharmacist.”
Oh my!!
A man walks into a bar, puts his head down on the table, and immediately
starts crying.
The bartender sees the man and asks him, “What’s the matter, buddy?”
The man replies, “My wife said she wouldn’t talk to me for a week.”
The bartender responds, “That sounds bad and all but it’s not the end of the
world, is it?”
The man lifts his head and says, “Yes it is—today is the last day.”
What?
| After hearing a couple’s complaints
that their intimate life wasn’t what it used to be, a sex counselor
suggests they vary their position.
“You should try the wheelbarrow,” the counselor says. “Lift her
legs from behind, and off you go.”
The husband is raring to try it.
“Well, OK,” the hesitant wife agrees, “but on two conditions.
First, if it hurts, you have to stop right away, and second, you
have to promise we won’t go past my parents’ house.” |
|
|
I told you it didn't mean anything....
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the
pub, so one night he took her along. “What’ll you have?” he asked.
“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you, I suppose,” she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one gulp.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it
out. “Yuck, that’s nasty poison!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how
you can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying
myself every night!”
Next:
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end
up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he
notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized
ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along
the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because
it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp
around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying
there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well,
how’d I do?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
Around the World
“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman brags,
“and this morning she couldn’t stop telling me how much she adored me.”
“Last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian replies,”
and today she said she could never love another man.”
The American remains silent, and the Frenchman smugly asks, “How many times
did you make love to your wife last night?”
“Once,” says the American.
“Only once?” the Italian snorts arrogantly. “And what did she say to
you this morning?”
“‘Don’t stop.’”
What next?
A guy walks into a bar one day and says to the barman, “Give me six double
vodkas.”
The barman says “Wow! You must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy walks into the bar and places the same order. When
the bartender asks what the problem is this time, the answer comes back, “I
just found out that my younger brother is gay, too.
On the third day the guy walks into the bar and orders another six double
vodkas.
The bartender says, “Geez, doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
“Yeah, my wife.”
Silence is golden:
A man walks into a bar, puts his head down on the table, and immediately
starts crying.
The bartender sees the man and asks him, “What’s the matter, buddy?”
The man replies, “My wife said she wouldn’t talk to me for a week.”
The bartender responds, “That sounds bad and all but it’s not the end of the
world, is it?”
The man lifts his head and says, “Yes it is—today is the last day.”
Traveling Penguin:
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the
oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the
motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an
ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold
would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down
to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little
flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the
mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It
looks like you blew a seal.”
“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“
Bar Bet:
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Hey bartender, I bet you
$50 I could lick my eyeball” So the bartender says, “You’re on.”
The guy removes his glass eye, licks it, and pops it back in. The bartender
laughs and willingly gives the guy his cash. The next day, the guy walks in
again with another bet.
“Bartender, I bet you $100 I could bite my elbow.” The bartender agrees. So
the guys pulls out his dentures, bites his elbow, and pops them back in. The
bartender laughs and grudgingly forks over the $100.
The next day the same guy walks in and says “Bartender, I bet you $500 I could
place a shot glass at the end of the bar and piss in it from here without
spilling a drop.” So the bartender thinks this is a no lose situation.
He agrees. So the guy stands on the bar, pulls down his drawers and proceeds to
piss all over the place. He pees all over the bartender, the customers, in
peoples drinks… everywhere. The bartender is rolling on the floor with
laughter. “You owe me $500!”
“That’s ok,” says the guy, “I just bet those two guys at the end of the
bar I could piss on you and still make you laugh!”
Twelve and a Chaser
A man goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on
as the guy downs one after another.
As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, "I don’t think you
should be drinking those so fast."
"You would if you had what I have," the man says, throwing back
number 11.
"Well, what is it you have?"
The man throws back his last shot and says, "Fifty cents."
The One-eyed Pirate
A pirate with a peg leg, hook hand, and an eye patch walks into a bar. He
sits down to have a beer and a stranger sitting next to him asks, “So what
happened to the leg, if you don’t mind my asking?”
“Argh,” the pirate answers, “a fierce storm tossed me overboard, and a
shark bit it off.”
“Oh,” the stranger says. “How about the hand?”
“Argh, I boarded a ship and fought the captain, and he took me hand before I
made him walk the plank.”
The stranger then asks about the pirate’s eye. “Argh, a seagull pooped in me
eye,” replies the pirate.
“Poop made you loose your eye?” asks the confused stranger.
“No,” the pirate answers, “’twas the first day with me hook.”
Urban Warriors
A Texan, a New Yorker, and a Bostonian are sitting together in a bar in the
Yukon. The Texan tosses back his shot of tequila, throws the half-full bottle up
in the air, pulls out a gun, and blows it to pieces. The other two, shocked,
just stare at the Texan. He explains, "Where I come from, we have plenty of
tequila."
The New Yorker, not to be outdone, finishes his glass of wine, tosses the
half-full bottle up in the air, pulls out a gun, and blows it apart. "Where
I come from," he explains, "we have plenty of fine wine."
The Boston guy slowly drinks the last drop of his beer, tosses the empty
bottle in the air, pulls out a gun, and shoots the New Yorker between the eyes.
He then catches the bottle on the way down. "Where I come from," he
says slowly, "we never waste booze—and we have plenty of New
Yorkers."
